Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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