i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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