Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You need Xanax blowdarts
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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