I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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