Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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