My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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