Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize