It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
