Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Found the puke drawer
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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