She is in my trunk
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We left the knife in your bed.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
