hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
