Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
