Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
