3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Randomize
