Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
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totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
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Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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