Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
