Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
