hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
