i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
