this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
