When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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