haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
