Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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