you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
