What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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