Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
