dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
