My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
