i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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