I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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