My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
