I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
high people should be assigned attendants
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
