i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
