I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
