I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
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