i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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