Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
