its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
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