you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
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Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
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THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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