what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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