I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
