I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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