Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
