I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
