remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
