My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
