my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
