He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
