He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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