He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
