dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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