im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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