Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
