I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
