Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
